I want off the planet now

Nov 3, 2016

The Great Dumpster Fire Election

The Chicago Cubs have won the World Series. I couldn’t care less about that if I tried, but the statistics behind their victory interest me. The odds have not been in the Cubs’ favor for a long time. Before last night, they hadn’t won a World Series championship since 1908. To put that into perspective, that was before both world wars, the polio vaccine, and the moon landing. As recently as October 30th, FiveThirtyEight published that the Cubs had “a smaller chance of winning than Trump.” As in, their chances were slim. Trump, at the time, had a 22% chance of winning the presidential election.

A lot can happen in a few days, though. The Cubs can win the World Series for the first time in a century, and the controversial reopening of the FBI investigation into Clinton’s emails can make the 2016 election less certain. At the time of my writing, Clinton has a 65% chance of becoming president, compared to Trump’s 34% chance. Trump’s odds aren’t that great, but they are improving, and he may yet be the 45th president. Anything seems possible after a Cubs win and Brexit.

Odds aside, a majority of Americans don’t like either candidate or their campaigns. The endless scandals and “misspoken” moments aren’t helping. In fact, nearly a third of likely voters are simply voting against the other candidate. Behold, the wonders of democracy in a two-party system. Let us weep together.

Jigsaw from Saw

No, I don’t want to play this game.

This year’s election is like living in the latest, lamest horror movie from the Saw franchise. You wake, chained to a chair, only to hear Jigsaw ask if you’d rather be shot in the leg or have your intestines pulled from your body. You’re more likely to survive losing a leg to infection, but that doesn’t make it any easier to say, “Sure, go ahead and shoot me in the kneecap.” Meanwhile, no one around you can stop talking about Ralph Nader.

While there are die-hard Clinton and Trump supporters, and there are even more die-hard supporters of the Democratic and Republican parties, more than 40% of us identify as independents, and so are left to wander a political no man’s land. (This is why so few participate in the primaries, during which voters are typically required to identify with a party to make their vote count.)

Pick apart our nation’s collective psyche, and it’s not so surprising that nearly half of us are dismayed. We are a people brainwashed to fear words like socialism, and yet when asked about specifics we are far more socialist than our system or the people who manage it. We are disgruntled, if not unhappy. This partially explains why, relative to other nations, voter participation is low in the States.

Many of us know that, no matter which party controls Congress or occupies the White House, we are going to be screwed. This is the true cost of having so much money in politics. It’s only a matter of how we’re screwed and who gets screwed. Hint: It’s almost always the poor and middle class.

If you loathe both candidates, the person you believe to be more survivable comes down to political leanings. I lean further left than the Democratic Party, so Clinton is the saner, more predictable, and more qualified of the two from my perspective. But even as we survive and perhaps even see some positive changes under Clinton, I also know many will suffer. It’s likely the nation will end up entrenched in costly controversies and conflicts under her guidance. We have under every president for decades now. The subject of war is particularly distressing considering Trump fancies himself a strongman and Clinton is a well-known war hawk.

Tuesday—four full, unpredictable days from now—we’ll elect a new president. Well, people living in Nevada, North Carolina, Florida, and a handful of other places will. The rest of us will cast our ballot, and then warm ourselves by the dumpster fire that is the 2016 election.

Jun 9, 2016

What They Said: 2008 Election vs. 2016 Election

2008 Barack Obama:
Hillary Clinton will say anything and do nothing. I don’t want Bush-Cheney lite. I want a fundamental change.

2008 Hillary Clinton:
Obama doesn’t love guns like I do. I’m a pro-gun churchgoer. I still am, even after I had to run from invisible sniper fire. Obama just doesn’t know how to win over hard-working Americans—you know, white people.

2008 Donald Trump:
Obama can’t be worse than Bush.

2008 Bernie Sanders:
The middle class has really been under assault. The top 0.1 percent now earn more money than the bottom 50 percent of Americans, and the top 1 percent own more wealth than the bottom 90 percent.

2016 Barack Obama:
I’m with her.

2016 Hillary Clinton:
I am here to tell you I will use every single minute of every day, if I’m fortunate to be your president, looking for ways to save lives so we can change the gun culture. I’m just telling you the truth. I’ve always tried to tell the truth.

2016 Donald Trump:
Obama is the worst president in U.S. history! Oh, well! Let’s just see how many people want to burn it all to the ground. We have the best fire. We love our gasoline, don’t we?

2016 Bernie Sanders:
There is no justice when the top 1/10th of 1 percent—not 1 percent—the top 1/10th of 1 percent today in America owns almost as much wealth as the bottom 90 percent.

Jan 14, 2016

Indoctrinated Children Sing About Glorious Supreme Leader Donald Trump

Before Donald Trump spoke to a sea of brain dead Floridians, indoctrinated kids wearing patriotic beauty pageant dresses sang about “cowardice,” “pride,” and Trump’s nonexistent presidency.

Futurama meme image - I don't want to live on this planet anymore

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